I love you

I love you

We have been through so much.

I remember when I first laid my eyes upon you. Somehow I knew you were mine. You were going to be mine, even though we didn’t even know each other. You never even knew my name. My heart made sense of it all.
And when you first spoke to me, I was attracted to you like a moth to a warm light, something so magnetic. There was something so enduring about your smile, or the few seconds you glanced at me. I knew this was love. I knew you were love.

As each day passed, I felt my logic let go more and more, each breath I took, I became powerless. I had no control over the love that poured out of my heart. You were my one. I never knew how those feelings were actually plausible. I never believed one person could fully embrace love the way I did. This kind of love I believed was only in fairytales. The kind of love I had within me is the love I could only give you.
I love you; I love your smile, your hair. Your hands when they touch me, when they have wiped away my tears - Your laugh when only we get a joke - Or how serious you get when you talk about business. I love how you stare at me, and I peep as you watch me sleep. I love you. I love the kind gestures you do for me, the hot baths, and the millions of favours when I have forgotten my laptop at home for work... Or the amount of times you covered me for bunking work at my dad.
You have given me so much. It is amazing how our love has grown.
From an awkward teenager to a troubled adult, there is not a side to me you have not seen, and somehow through all of that you still find it in you to love me.
Thank-you Scott, for loving me, for holding me -For encouraging me- For helping me... Thank-you, Scott for being my pillar, my rock, my best friend my one and only...

Here's to our love growing and living for all eternity.

Food glorious Food!

I love food.

My entire life, I have been a few extra pounds than what I should be. I came out the womb chubby!

Sigh... Because of my weight I have been laughed at, looked at funny, I have dreaded change rooms at the shops, and avoided a swimming costume since puberty...

I would trade a piece of warm chocolate cake probably over most things in life. Food brings me such joy. When I eat something delicious my entire mind and body react in a happy uncomplicated way.
I eat when I'm happy; I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am with friends, or when I am alone. I eat when I watch a movie, or over celebrations. I eat when I am bored or when I am just plain hungry.
Food is my greatest love - my greatest hang up. I fight with food everyday - you know you want that last piece of cake - - - Carmen!  ---- You will get fat, don't do it!

I have always wondered why my obsession is seen as something to be embarrassed about. It is a lot easier to judge someone whom is overweight than the average person... have you ever thought that maybe that person might also have a secret obsession which isn't as obvious as mine?

As women we all have our "fat days" our "ugly days." Lately my eating has been terribly out of control. Stacks of biscuits on the couch at night, Ice - cream with extra caramel, two meaty pies instead of one! Chocolate for breakfast ... One before bed. Gosh, take the equivalent of those days and roll them into the past few months and you will have how I feel.
As much as I love good plate of food, or devouring that amazingly baked muffin, my body has become a prison!
I have never embraced my body, or appreciated any beauty in it. I wouldn’t say I am huge, but technically neither am I the correct BMI. Every single day I lose my motivation & I doubt my will power, discipline and beauty, all of this because I am a little overweight?
Who is in the wrong, me for over indulging? Or the people who make it seem like it is so terribly wrong?

Believe it or not being fat has its advantages. In my teens I learnt quite quickly that I couldn't rely on my devilish looks to get me anywhere, instead, I focused on improving my personality. I aimed at bettering myself as a person, I remained open minded, tried new things and worked hard at being the Carmen others wanted to be around, ridiculous things we do for social acceptance.

This hasn't cured my addiction to food... But it has made me adapt in my own unique and messed up way.

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

My weekend :)

It was a chilly weekend in Johannesburg... Winter has begun, and well, to get myself used to the cold weather I decided to paint my Warhammer. They're far from perfect and are no where close to the professionals, but I certainly had a fantastic time painting them!

 

Authentic

“Maybe the present is a little unsatisfying because life is a little unsatisfying”. - Woody Allen

I have been feeling a little under the weather the past few weeks. I am extremely unsure about the concept of life - in general.
Well, that leaves this blog open to many things. I am not sure what to write today, I have been thinking about various things that have happened in my life... Almost like a time to reflect. I suppose in the greater scheme of things, me expressing the insignificant events in my life shall be witnessed even after I perish.

My soul will always live on this blog.
Strange when you look at it that way, actually it is quite creepy. The internet has left the opportunity for all of us to have a voice. It's a portal to express our happiest moments to the most profound...

I believe the internet has caused quite a bit of damage in society. But with its perks, it has changed the way we live our lives - forever.

Before my time, people would travel long distances, write long letters and find the most creative ways to keep in touch with people around them. This observation was purely made off assumption as I can only imagine what life was like without all this dreaded technology.
There is something quite mysterious about the past - genuine. History as we know it was once lived, is now being rediscovered in the layers of dust left by us and our forefathers.

The lives we lead, in my opinion, are extremely superficial and empty. We post our every thought, we share our most intimate moments, we "unfriend" we re-add... We tag, we "lol" we do all these trendy things to feel like we belong somewhere.
Maybe the internet has tried to fill the huge massive hole within our souls. This hole I speak of has been carried through many generations of man - loneliness.
We all want to feel like we belong. We find a place where our lives can be witnessed, and acknowledged on a completely different level.
I’d love to know what is genuine about living in our times?
Facebook? No. Music? – In my opinion – No. Furniture – No (unless you call plywood decent.) Film Making – No. Art – To a degree, maybe I have hope in that. Sport hasn’t changed that much through the times, only in the sense that the sportsmen become more of an idol than anything else.
The list can go on and on... I am almost certain people would completely disagree with what I am saying here. I suppose I am not attacking these fields, or saying that they haven’t improved. What I am implying here is quite simple.

Where has the time for something genuine gone? The time for family - the time for music? All of this is expressed though our technology – in the hopes to capture those moments – in the hopes of praise. Memories are not captured the way they used too.

I remember watching a Woody Allen film not too long ago where the main character (an American) travels to Paris with his wife.
Everything about Paris seemed glamorous, romantic and pretty. The main character desired to have the passion of Paris in his everyday life.
And as the film goes on, this main character becomes "lost" in Paris.
In a surreal world, he meets a bunch of famous writers from various ages. Every conversation with each of these artists has a profound statement. Each of them desires the same thing as the main character. "If only" or "what if"
Man is never truly happy. What seemed as the "Golden era" in one artists life was not golden at all, as that character was dreaming of a better life somewhere else - with someone else.
Towards the end of the film that main character is in quite a strange place, a state of confusion, but it leads him to a path where his decisions become much more simple to follow.


Where does all of this leave my blog? ...In a strange predicament - A contradiction.
The lives we live now will never be satisfying. We will always desire for more – or less. This is the human condition.
I think it is up too us to create our own happiness – make our lives authentic and surround ourselves with people who gives us this in return. Searching for these traits in people is tough, because naturally people are quite impressionable.

But deep down one thing remains – the desire to be loved and accepted. And no matter how many years back we reference – this will always be a fact.

Changes

I have fallen a bit behind with my blogging....

There have been quite a few interesting things happening in my life the past few days.
In 6 weeks, I am going overseas.

I am not too sure how to feel about it. This might sound a little odd - But now that I know I might be leaving for a short while, everything in my life seems so much more bearable.
Why is it like that?
Is this just the human condition? We can’t stand the lives we have at the present, always hoping for something better, and when that something better arises - we seem quite happy with our lives (afraid of the change) or find endless problems with the new transition.

I used to be quite excitable... especially with a situation like travelling. But now to be quite honest, I am afraid. I am afraid of what I might lose, I am afraid of what I might gain - and realize what I have not had all this time. How do I go back to who I once was?
After traveling...
What will my next step be?
Will I be a changed person?
Will I be flooded with endless regret?

WHAT IF?! WILL I?!

My job now is quite fun. I sit in a fancy advertising studio and have my own desk. If I leave and travel - all that I have worked for will be lost.
Or will it?
I guess it will be written down on my resume' the experience is something that I will always carry with me. Its the uncertainty that gets to me. Every person desires reassurance.

Today, my mother went to an interview, the first in 10 years.
I saw this look in her eyes; she was stressed and doubting herself. She said, “How can I go for an interview with all those massive board members sitting there?"
Her insecurity made me realize how much it can complicate our lives.
It shouldn’t be that hard, you get dressed smartly, put your best face on - and show all the hard work you have made in your life time.
What’s the worst that could happen? They say someone else has filled the position. Clearly the job wasn’t for you, it wasn’t meant to be...
We should push our insecurities aside.

Imagine what a perfect day it would be if we could actually do that? How much more wonderful you would feel about your hair, or eyes. How much more confident you would feel about your work and where you have been. All of this added - where this attitude could lead you...

Bottom line - I think I should travel, push my insecurities aside and somehow not hurt the people I love most by going away for some time.