I have started a new blog on the side!
Please have a look!!
https://1hundredhappythings.wordpress.com/2016/02/29/1hundredhappythings-in-norway/
Monday, 29 February 2016
Tuesday, 12 January 2016
Title.
Having a title has always been a big deal for me.
When I was at school, I used to imagine myself in a big maroon blazer and a shiny gold badge that was tightly pinned which said "SCHOOL PREFECT" on it. When that dream crashed and burned and my half baked attitude through out the year did not suffice, I wished for something bigger, maybe like an actor, or director, and when I went to art school, I forgot the prefect badge and dreamed of full colors on my blazer instead, a symbol of straight A's and remarkable performances through out my high school career, something I looked up at. A symbol for all my hard work and achievements throughout the years, and in my last year of school & when it was my final chance at achieving exactly that, I failed, again.
When I left school, I dreamed of the next best thing, after all, we are brought up to believe that not every successful person was in fact a success to begin with...
I shifted my focus onto film school, having incredibly high ambitions I discovered the most talented individuals that out shone my every vision, story or talent I ever possessed.
I was left with the same tears I carried most of my life - disappointed by my performance and the harsh reality that this shame was actually the only thing I ever really was able to pin onto me, I decided to find any old job in my early 20's... and that was working for my dad. And hey, at that age any money to cover my cheap behavior at the bar was absolutely perfect. My never ending abyss of dreams stopped right there, in the first sip of my ultimate escape...
I loathed the job at the butchery after time, and I tried with all my might to find a better profession.
I gave up on the arts, I knew that I did not posses the skills or confidence to work through any competitive industry, and after a good few years of grueling it out in retail, I actually somehow cracked the advertising world.
It was a massive ego booster - and incredible upliftment off the ground, a place where all my tears finally dried up, even though I was treated like absolute shit - I had a title. And that title had a name, and that name had an identity, and that identity began molding - me.
After a good few years in the advertising world, I met an amazing man online, and to fast forward the story a little... I moved to Norway.
And now, after all these years of defining my career and it success, I sit in a predicament
where I was in my 20's.
It's strange.
I have no title, it is ripped from me.
My mold is smashed, I have lost a part of me.
I don't know where to start, or where to turn.
I have absolutely no confidence in myself, and I feel the tears of all the years are pinning me down and holding me down.
I am about to drown.
What am I without my title.
Where could I ever go, without my title.
When I was at school, I used to imagine myself in a big maroon blazer and a shiny gold badge that was tightly pinned which said "SCHOOL PREFECT" on it. When that dream crashed and burned and my half baked attitude through out the year did not suffice, I wished for something bigger, maybe like an actor, or director, and when I went to art school, I forgot the prefect badge and dreamed of full colors on my blazer instead, a symbol of straight A's and remarkable performances through out my high school career, something I looked up at. A symbol for all my hard work and achievements throughout the years, and in my last year of school & when it was my final chance at achieving exactly that, I failed, again.
When I left school, I dreamed of the next best thing, after all, we are brought up to believe that not every successful person was in fact a success to begin with...
I shifted my focus onto film school, having incredibly high ambitions I discovered the most talented individuals that out shone my every vision, story or talent I ever possessed.
I was left with the same tears I carried most of my life - disappointed by my performance and the harsh reality that this shame was actually the only thing I ever really was able to pin onto me, I decided to find any old job in my early 20's... and that was working for my dad. And hey, at that age any money to cover my cheap behavior at the bar was absolutely perfect. My never ending abyss of dreams stopped right there, in the first sip of my ultimate escape...
I loathed the job at the butchery after time, and I tried with all my might to find a better profession.
I gave up on the arts, I knew that I did not posses the skills or confidence to work through any competitive industry, and after a good few years of grueling it out in retail, I actually somehow cracked the advertising world.
It was a massive ego booster - and incredible upliftment off the ground, a place where all my tears finally dried up, even though I was treated like absolute shit - I had a title. And that title had a name, and that name had an identity, and that identity began molding - me.
After a good few years in the advertising world, I met an amazing man online, and to fast forward the story a little... I moved to Norway.
And now, after all these years of defining my career and it success, I sit in a predicament
where I was in my 20's.
It's strange.
I have no title, it is ripped from me.
My mold is smashed, I have lost a part of me.
I don't know where to start, or where to turn.
I have absolutely no confidence in myself, and I feel the tears of all the years are pinning me down and holding me down.
I am about to drown.
What am I without my title.
Where could I ever go, without my title.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
I am not a pencil color
I imagined my long awaited dreams coming true, many beautiful stories I could share and exciting adventures I would experience. Oh yes, these things are happening to me everyday, some so sweet, and yet among all of that, I have experienced a strange feeling of separation, maybe disgust?
A color that you can fill your coloring-in-book with.
I am not white,
I am not black,
I am South African.
I have no race, I have no desire to be anything more than what I am.
I am colored in with my nations cultures. Individually, wrapped, filled
I have been colored in
And in return, embraced within and
Opened up like a flower.
Don't worry your mindless thoughts
For you know not any better,
I cannot even speak on your behalf and say
One day you will understand.
For I know
As many whom have traveled from home know
No one truly knows the suprise that rest in my beautiful land.
Immigrating - - -
And I have lost so much.
My car, my friends, my relationship with my family, my job, my house and my overall strength to "carry on."
This year was basically a huge turn of events for me, and while I had seen it coming for the longest time, nothing can truly prepare you for the adventure (if you want to call it that) that awaits when you decide to immigrate.
It was right after my last December in Norway, Kim-Erik and I had decided to take things another step, and for me to move to Norway.
And well, theoretically, it shouldn't seem like such a hard thing to do, seeing as the statics of having a "good life" in Norway were surprisingly high, I felt that I had not much to loose!
Seriously, what could I loose?
I was working long hours, alone most of the time, I lived with my single room mate (I must mention she was my saving grace) in a flat that faced a main road, I could always hear traffic or the neighbors screaming children... I lived off popcorn and noodles,Honestly, I had no real motivation to cook for myself, oh yes and my dogs lived at my dad, so I had to drive over 30km to get to them to give them love and attention(not that my family weren't doing that) they needed, it was huge sense of responsibility and shame that they had to look after them for me.
Oh and not to mention my amazing set of wheels, that ALWAYS broke down.
All my friends around me where getting married and settling in well with their partners. I used to be the girl who had a partner and now I was the girl that was invited to tag along because I always seemed alone and single... My mother has been extremely off towards me, and I barely saw my brother or sister.
So basically to cut a long story short, my life was not the greatest at the time, and although I had made the best of it, I kind of hoped that all my life's answers would be simplified in Norway.
So, I decided, "loose everything" to gain everything. I know, it sounds super cheesy and cliche', but it felt like my one shot at a second chance, a way to redeem myself from past mistakes.
Anyways, I quit my job; said my good byes & I left, taking my dogs, a few boxes of crap and myself to live in Norway.
And ofcorse yes, I couldn't have been happier to finally spend everyday with Kim-Erik without a "day counter" as to when I would be going home again.
As soon as I landed, things felt different, the air smelled strange and even Kim-Erik looked unusual too. You could say my "reality" goggles where now out on and the pretty little petite rose tinted ones I used may times in Norway were left back in South Africa,
I shit you not.
Ever since I landed here, there was a huge shift. I longed for the bustling noise outside my bedroom window... the awkward hello from the Indian neighbors who lived below us and the aroma of last nights dinner seeping into our flat. The long hours of traffic and annoyingly hot days, with the sun in my eyes.
I missed my family and the long drives I would take to see my dogs, the discomfort I would have with the idea of "work tomorrow" on a Sunday night.
I longed for the ambiance and strange noises that come out of a typical day in Johannesburg; like the haa-di-daa's on a Sunday morning or the ice-cream trucks ALWAYS on the most freezing days.
And not to mention the adrenaline of driving around and living in Johannesburg, the most dangerous city in our country, the fear of the unknown, the fear of, "Am I next?!"
After all you truly are a sitting duck in that place...
Only to find myself in a city that has the same population as Randburg (a suburb in Johannesburg) with people who do not speak English, dress the same, eat the same and cock their heads to the side in confusion when I tell them I am South African and whattt, I am white. ?! My latest response is, "actually, I am albino!"
I have been compared to all sorts.
Namely, the unemployed, uneducated supposed "scum" of Norway. I have been told many awful things I wish not to even mention on this post as an example of my fate in Norway and all the years to come.
I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, in actual fact, I was quite confused, angry, sour and almost had a sense of regret and loss with the choice I had made to leave South Africa for here.
Some days, I found myself with so much social anxiety, I could not even leave the house, or it was so cold and dark that I just laid on the couch, curled up in a little ball resembling a fetus.
I felt as weak as I ever have in my entire life.
The little pleasures of driving to a local store & buying a local brand, laughing and chatting to the ever-so-friendly people in Johannesburg was all just a longing had in my gut, eating at me more and more each day.
None of my days had color, none of what I was doing in my days felt like they even mattered, and as you can imagine, this sort of attitude started destroying the relationship that Kim-Erik and I had worked so hard on!
I felt like nothing excited me, and I had to punish myself for the choice I had made to leave home. Leave all the things I felt I needed to list that were "bad" or "dangerous" and what was possibly going to be "better" abroad.
The truth is...
Nothing is better anywhere else.
All the happiness you have in your life, you create,
I have learned, personally for me that all the statistics in the world of what is "safest", "cleaner" and whatever other shit these polls come up with actually have very little to do with my personal journey to finding happiness.
I feel that with all the things that frustrated me back home, there was a sense of joy in them too, and maybe who knows when I decide to move back to South Africa, I may just feel the same way about Norway, too...
And as I sit here in my new little house with my new laptop looking back the past year, I know now more than ever that immigrating is not as glamoures as we perceive it to me, change is always good, and even though we feel like we can escape with the idea of going somewhere else to a new country or city, it doesn't take away the inner journey you had been facing, it actually heightens it and you face it more on your own, simply because there is no one around you that understand what you are going through.
So here it is.
My thoughts which took me nearly 6 months to figure out how to type.
I hope whoever reads this will understand me on a level I could never express in conversation.
Wednesday, 4 March 2015
Logical Song By Super Tramp (1979)
"Logical Song"
When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!
At night, when all the world's asleep,
the questions run so deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
CarniGe - Gaming Channel - Youtube
Yay!
Finally, I have my very OWN gaming channel!
The plan is to try and post one video a week on YouTube, as I talk viewers through various games, either my own preference or recommend by viewers! I have had a few technical difficulties, like sound and video issues... BUT - in the next few weeks, I should be getting things on the road!
So please, keep an eye out for my new posts!
Here is my very first post below:
Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A26ivcbQOo
^_^
I found warmth in the cold
I haven't posted (yet again) in a while!
Aaand - It’s crazy! It feels like yesterday when I updated my blog and posted all my wonderful experiences of 2014!
Although, 2014 wasn't only a bed of roses, I had many obstacles I had to cross, many moments spent alone & sometimes, I hoped that I could rewind and start my life from scratch!
But when life seemed so crazily overwhelming, I was blessed with a man who gave me the courage to lift myself up and face 2015 like no other!
So -
2015 began with my first winter trip in Norway!
My first day of the Norwegian snow will be stained into my memory for the rest of my life!
I will never forget the burning sensation of the cold on my cheeks, the freezing air burning my lungs as I walked through town at night & the haunting, eerie silence when every single snowflake danced with the breeze and lightly fell onto a huge pile of pure white snow.
I will never forget how Kim-Erik's eyes were glimmering, his face dipped in love and excitement, as if he was waiting to show me the snow all his life. He held me by the hand as we got lost in this white paradise called, Norway. Oh, how I love the winter in Norway!
So, we decided to walk in the snow for the rest of the evening, and well, I wasn’t really dressed for the weather, the chilly air was just a reminder of how far I truly was from home... I never knew how much I'd love this weather, but better yet, how much I loved sharing my first experience with Kim-Erik!
Besides my wonderful memories that comfort me in our time apart at the moment, Kim-Erik had a surprise for me... he asked me to marry him! And well, ofcorse I said, YES!
Unfortunately I have had to go home to Africa, but just 53 more sleepies, and I will be in his arms once again.
Here are some photos of our trip in December. I cannot wait to see him again, this time he will be traveling to South Africa, and we are going hiking in Clarens, maybe I will treat him to a theater production or two ;)
P.S Jeg elsker deg, Kim-Erik!
Aaand - It’s crazy! It feels like yesterday when I updated my blog and posted all my wonderful experiences of 2014!
Although, 2014 wasn't only a bed of roses, I had many obstacles I had to cross, many moments spent alone & sometimes, I hoped that I could rewind and start my life from scratch!
But when life seemed so crazily overwhelming, I was blessed with a man who gave me the courage to lift myself up and face 2015 like no other!
So -
2015 began with my first winter trip in Norway!
 |
| I LOVE NORWAY! |
My first day of the Norwegian snow will be stained into my memory for the rest of my life!
I will never forget the burning sensation of the cold on my cheeks, the freezing air burning my lungs as I walked through town at night & the haunting, eerie silence when every single snowflake danced with the breeze and lightly fell onto a huge pile of pure white snow.
I will never forget how Kim-Erik's eyes were glimmering, his face dipped in love and excitement, as if he was waiting to show me the snow all his life. He held me by the hand as we got lost in this white paradise called, Norway. Oh, how I love the winter in Norway!
So, we decided to walk in the snow for the rest of the evening, and well, I wasn’t really dressed for the weather, the chilly air was just a reminder of how far I truly was from home... I never knew how much I'd love this weather, but better yet, how much I loved sharing my first experience with Kim-Erik!
Besides my wonderful memories that comfort me in our time apart at the moment, Kim-Erik had a surprise for me... he asked me to marry him! And well, ofcorse I said, YES!
Unfortunately I have had to go home to Africa, but just 53 more sleepies, and I will be in his arms once again.
Here are some photos of our trip in December. I cannot wait to see him again, this time he will be traveling to South Africa, and we are going hiking in Clarens, maybe I will treat him to a theater production or two ;)
P.S Jeg elsker deg, Kim-Erik!
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